I'm no stranger to heart ache. I'm a girl, so, heart ache is pretty much par for the course with me. But, for some unknown reason, I'm not dealing with the latest blow to my precious, female sensabilities.

Grief is an incredibly shitty thing.

I feel like I'm drowning in it; like it's some big, black, inky sea that's invading my every pore, weighing me down... holding me down. I close my eyes at night, and it's sucking me into some giant pit of despair, waiting in the shadows of my bedroom to reach out and snatch me like some five year-old's imaginary closet monster. Just a little over two months I've been  dealing with this grief, watching, waiting, biding my time until it will let me catch my breath, let me breath... let me go a full day without crumpling into some soggy mess of a ball, bawling my eyes out.

Beltane has been and gone, and I think that's when I finally settled on a decision. And, okay, so, I'm not currently big with the whole... fertility aspect of Beltane, I am ready to talk about what I'm feeling and thinking and ready to make something of my grief.

I thought about writing letters, addressed to my Nana, after all, it's her loss, that I'm grieving, that's consuming me. But, I'm not sure I could save the paper from getting too soggy; and then I realised, that, it's her voice I'm hearing in my head. Every decision I'm making these days, they're tinged with her voice and her opinion, and I'm not sure if that's creeping me out or comforting me. And then, that kinda spurs on the questions, that, if it is comforting me, is that creepy? Is it wrong to have this image of my Nan in my head, telling me her opinion, telling me advice? I'm terrified of her fading away. She's already gone - literally. There's no plot, no headstone... not even a memorial plant. In some instances, I've been too afraid to ask for one. It seems almost taboo to ask about memorials in this family...

I guess, this is kinda my memorial to her, this blog, although, I'm guessin' it's a pretty shitty memorial. But, it's mine... in a way. And I'm sure you're all thinking 'this bitch is kuh-ray-zee.', and, probably not a good way to start this blog, but, unfortunately for you, this is who I am. I'm the girl who's drowning in grief, trying to deal with the loss of someone I was incredibly, incredibly close to, trying to not let it drag me under, I'm the girl who opens her mouth and stuff just comes out, without my even really thinking about it.

There are times where I'll be way more coherent, more articulate in my arguments. However, I am just a girl, and I'm prone to making little or no sense whatsoever. So, just hang with me, and watch as I battle my crazy-ass mind for something resembling normalcy.

B-